Tuesday, February 22, 2005

E. Hope you read me...

Oh dear E.

I arrived home this evening from work in sorrow when I pulled into the driveway and saw your dim light window, could hear the skcrreechhh of packing tape. I'm missing you already. I know that's selfish of me. I guess I over invested. I mean no offence in that

she begins to cry as she types

I think it's good that you'll have a new environment, P. will probably like the adventure. he's got to be feeling nervous and weird I suppose to in his own little p. way .

As a mom, i can begin to know, no. not know, but maybe begin to imagine what it would be if it was cruely taken away. God E. I can't even begin to possibly fathom the cruelty in that act of the universe to you, it's absolutely wrong and my heart aches for you
my chest feels heavy. i feel guilty, how could I not, having a little life after random senseless that gently sniffed out the candle next door. she crawls into the room all happy and i wonder why her and not me because everythings so overwhelming such intense feelings the whole place is vibrating, the whole house it seems with a strange sort of anticipation, because there will finally be a distraction, for us at least, and we all hope to god the new enviro does you all good keep the bassinet please if that's what you need
i'd want a way to remember too

i feel nauseous over all of this

i don't know what i said, i'm doubting everything, going back and trying to reanalyze, figure out what it could have been that hurt you

i have such a heavy remorse for that, pleae, please please begin to contemplate accepting my apology

i explained to trinity this afternoon that you all were moving, she looks up at him & sadly says goodbye e. and j. i'll miss you,

he laughed and said im not both of us

she has her own way of dealing with this. on xmas when she received a new babydoll she looked up at me w/ those big blue eyes & said, her name is a.

it was like a punch in the stomach, my word i am so sorry for your loss i open the laundry room door and see all the stuff back & am tripping over the other stuff i had to pass on and i can't even imagine what it would have been like to have to pass a room

i hope i'm not wrong for trying to express this to you in anyway that i can. i see your hurt, and i feel hurt, and then i think about all your hurt and i cry lots. iv'e changed meds but i still cry alot

i'm so sorry to see you hurt what somehow doesn't kills us makes us stronger, it's wrong that this happend. air your wound. let it breathe so that it can heal. wounds that are covered ithout air get gangrene. please heal. time will pass one day you will blossom because your strong i see it its in your eyes voice that much i know is true. you are strong. it's something i recognize in you

i send you my deepest heartfelt wishes please

open yourself to receive them

feel love e. its there in your family
that much i know is true


i'll miss you