Tuesday, April 19, 2005

To what end?

What on earth am I hoping to accomplish? This is what I ask myself, knowing I am hurting so many.

It seems so many events, circumstances, and emotions have tangled into a gnarled mess. Ultimately, I hope to untangle them, and learn to keep them seperate from one another.

I need to resolve my anger regarding my Father. What is underneath my anger? I feel disregarded. Without exaggerating or whining, or sounding like the perpetual victim, he damaged
me. I don't feel ammends were ever made, and that saddens me.
I feel overlooked by the estate of my Father. I have struggled all of my life with the scars he left on my psyche. I get frustrated, and very angry, that these issues continue to reappear in my life;a sludge-filled toxic bog, sulphorous gases continuously bubbling to the surface. Do I expect special treatment? Honestly, maybe I do. In my perception, I am the one who received the brunt of his distorted agressions. A number of years ago, I consulted a lawyer, contemplating whether or not to sue him for damages, but knowing how evasive was, did not pursue it. I didn't want to frivolously incur legal costs. Will money fix what was done? No, it could only assist me in my lifelong recovery.

Money does weird things to people, namely, me. I am experiencing profound conflicting feelings with regards to the estate. It seems an oversight that I will likely not see a cent until I am a senior citizen. But then, in 1976, or whenever my grandfather wrote his final will and testament, how was he supposed to see into the future and know the circumstances and difficulties I would experience at the hands of his demented son?

Have I expressed how frustrating it is that this continues to rear it's ugly disfunctional head? A number of years ago, when I did *extensive* therapy, I thought I was finished. In my mind, the issue had been addressed, and closed. Evidently, I need to surrender to the fact that this will be a lifelong process for me, it will come and it will go, and I will have to tackle the layers, one at a time, as they arise. Let me tell you all, it's sooooooo frustrating. I appreciate that we all have our different crosses to bear, but does mine have to be so prevalent and reoccuring?

Alright Krystin, off of your pity-pot, you are rambling off of topic. Let's get back to what I am hoping to accomplish. God, what am I hoping to accomplish?

You know, I think bottom line, I am trying to heal, and maybe, maybe healing is like cleaning a closet- it gets messier before it gets organized and tidy.

Yikes, here's hoping that I am on my way to organized, I don't think I can take anymore messy...