Monday, July 25, 2005

Last Night

Last night I dreamt of my deceased biological father.

For those of you who know me, we were estranged most of my life, too many mind games and toxicity.

I dreamt that my husband went to our front door to collect the mail, he was surprised to find a letter delivered in error for Robert Clark. It was addressed right across the street from us. Laughing at the irony, as only my husband could truly appreciate, he decided to deliver the letter.

My dream continued with the discovery that he had been living across the street from us for the past three years, watching. In the dream when I finally found out, it was too late, he had the locks changed, and pulled a midnight move on his asian landlady (is it weird to have multicultural dreams?)

I awoke shaken, unsure of myself- it was a dream, right? I didn't feel any reassurance until I looked out the front window, and it wasn't the house from my dream. Thank goodness for that!

I'm surprised, that even in death, I at times, feel haunted by the lingering memory of him. His betrayal, his cruelty, his manipulative mind games, and finally, his abandoment. Would have thought after attending his funeral, and speaking for that matter, would have provided closure. Ironic. Suppose I have to accept that this will likely always be a part of me, feeling haunted. Doubting his departure from life, after all, it could have been anything in that box of ashes.

Or maybe a part of me just isn't prepared to give up hope on reconcilliation, an apology, and making amends.

We can't always get what we want, can we?

But if we try sometimes, you just might find.... you get what you need.